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By Sonny Long
5: Zombies are Slow
What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word “zombie?” Sexy zombie strippers? Maybe we’ve been watching different movies. Anyway, a zombie is generally considered a slow-moving, shambling corpse that falls over itself with every step because it can’t see and it can’t do cool things that I can do.
What’s important here is the slow-moving part. Do you think you’re slow? Do you think you’re that slow? Come on now, we're asking. Have you seen the most recent episodes of The Walking Dead? Don’t worry, we won’t spoil anything, but remember when Eugene, the mullet-wearing scientist/science teacher tried running away from the zombies? It was a joke. Literally, they had to have known that was going to look funny. We know we were laughing.
The only people that wouldn’t be able to outrun The Walking Dead zombies are the ones that either can’t get off the couch in the first place, or just don’t want to because… stuff. And sincerely, we are sorry to those people. Call us, we'll get you in a wheelchair or something when the day comes. We’ll do this together.
4: It’s America, Guns Everywhere. Probably
Do you live in America? If you answered yes, then statistically you own a gun. Probably. We don’t know statistics. But anyway, we think we can both agree that America loves guns. Right? They’re pretty neat. Not that we would know. We don’t own any.
And as we know, in The Walking Dead, there’s plenty of guns. Everywhere. We know in the comics things might be a little different now because of pesky things like guns needing ammunition and the survivors just so happened to have used all of it. But in real-life right now, there’s a ton of guns everywhere and if suddenly zombies were to swarm, we’d be more than ready. Maybe the hippies (hipsters?) and the tree-huggers wouldn’t make it out because of their “peace, man” stuff, but you and I both know the guys with the guns are gonna be totally fine.
3: Everybody’s In-Shape
Okay, so we’re three months into the zombie apocalypse now. The slow-moving zombies have gotten your love interest, the couch-potatoes, maybe some hipsters, and your roommate. All that’s left in your group now is you, the church choir, and Queen Latifah. Suddenly, a new person joins the group. What’s this? They’re incredibly in-shape and with chiseled jawline for the ladies, or powerful thighs for the men. His/her name is Helga. And he/she is here to carry you to safety.
And who wouldn’t want Helga to carry them to safety? Because out here, after months of fighting off the undead, infections, and petty arguments about who ate the last piece of maggot-bread, you need a break and you need to look at the incredibly attractive people around you that have survived. Sure, they haven’t taken showers in months, but at least they got that six-pack thing going on that humans seem to like so much. And what’s this? You have one too. Good job, you.
2: Date Out of Your League, Maybe
Back to our source material: remember Glenn from The Walking Dead? Of course you do. He’s the good-looking romantic one. The one with the hot girlfriend/wife, some people might even point out.
Not that I’ve noticed.
But what’s attractive exactly about Glenn? At the start of the show, he’s more or less just a dorky ex-pizza delivery man. Not too much sexy going on there. But enter zombies, and suddenly Glenn is way hotter. What gives? This may detract from our earlier point, but a lot of the other (sexier?) people may have died off at this point, giving the dorky ex-pizza delivery guy/girl (You?) the chance you never had before with the incredibly hot gym teacher.
1: Maybe It Would Suck…
Maybe we added one too many gross details in the previous entries, but we suddenly don’t want to live in The Walking Dead universe anymore. The whole no-showering Helga thing seemed like a good idea at first, but we're starting to feel the regret.
Sorry, Helga. You’ll have to bench me later.
Guns? Still cool. We think. Not that we know how to work them. Not that anyone we know would know how to fix one if the gun jammed. Then what? We’re reduced to using pikes and swords like in the forgotten-times. Wait. That sounds pretty cool. The idea is redeeming itself.
This new world full of swords, shields, and other stuff that makes Game of Thrones cool is gonna need a king. It needs us. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy. Or just some plots of land and a Burger King if we're lucky. We may have gotten off-track here. Just follow us by e-mail.
Thanks for reading and follow Sonny on Twitter @fourcornerstuds. If you like his writing style, check out his book here. Remember to subscribe by e-mail at the top of the page for more!
