5 Reasons Why Life In 'The Walking Dead' Would Be Awesome

By Sonny Long

5: Zombies are Slow

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word “zombie?” Sexy zombie strippers? Maybe we’ve been watching different movies. Anyway, a zombie is generally considered a slow-moving, shambling corpse that falls over itself with every step because it can’t see and it can’t do cool things that I can do.

What’s important here is the slow-moving part. Do you think you’re slow? Do you think you’re that slow? Come on now, we're asking. Have you seen the most recent episodes of The Walking Dead? Don’t worry, we won’t spoil anything, but remember when Eugene, the mullet-wearing scientist/science teacher tried running away from the zombies? It was a joke. Literally, they had to have known that was going to look funny. We know we were laughing.

The only people that wouldn’t be able to outrun The Walking Dead zombies are the ones that either can’t get off the couch in the first place, or just don’t want to because… stuff. And sincerely, we are sorry to those people. Call us, we'll get you in a wheelchair or something when the day comes. We’ll do this together.

4: It’s America, Guns Everywhere. Probably

Do you live in America? If you answered yes, then statistically you own a gun. Probably. We don’t know statistics. But anyway, we think we can both agree that America loves guns. Right? They’re pretty neat. Not that we would know. We don’t own any.

And as we know, in The Walking Dead, there’s plenty of guns. Everywhere. We know in the comics things might be a little different now because of pesky things like guns needing ammunition and the survivors just so happened to have used all of it. But in real-life right now, there’s a ton of guns everywhere and if suddenly zombies were to swarm, we’d be more than ready. Maybe the hippies (hipsters?) and the tree-huggers wouldn’t make it out because of their “peace, man” stuff, but you and I both know the guys with the guns are gonna be totally fine.

3: Everybody’s In-Shape

Okay, so we’re three months into the zombie apocalypse now. The slow-moving zombies have gotten your love interest, the couch-potatoes, maybe some hipsters, and your roommate. All that’s left in your group now is you, the church choir, and Queen Latifah. Suddenly, a new person joins the group. What’s this? They’re incredibly in-shape and with chiseled jawline for the ladies, or powerful thighs for the men. His/her name is Helga. And he/she is here to carry you to safety.

And who wouldn’t want Helga to carry them to safety? Because out here, after months of fighting off the undead, infections, and petty arguments about who ate the last piece of maggot-bread, you need a break and you need to look at the incredibly attractive people around you that have survived. Sure, they haven’t taken showers in months, but at least they got that six-pack thing going on that humans seem to like so much. And what’s this? You have one too. Good job, you.

2: Date Out of Your League, Maybe

Back to our source material: remember Glenn from The Walking Dead? Of course you do. He’s the good-looking romantic one. The one with the hot girlfriend/wife, some people might even point out.

Not that I’ve noticed.

But what’s attractive exactly about Glenn? At the start of the show, he’s more or less just a dorky ex-pizza delivery man. Not too much sexy going on there. But enter zombies, and suddenly Glenn is way hotter. What gives? This may detract from our earlier point, but a lot of the other (sexier?) people may have died off at this point, giving the dorky ex-pizza delivery guy/girl (You?) the chance you never had before with the incredibly hot gym teacher.

1: Maybe It Would Suck…

Maybe we added one too many gross details in the previous entries, but we suddenly don’t want to live in The Walking Dead universe anymore. The whole no-showering Helga thing seemed like a good idea at first, but we're starting to feel the regret.

Sorry, Helga. You’ll have to bench me later.

Guns? Still cool. We think. Not that we know how to work them. Not that anyone we know would know how to fix one if the gun jammed. Then what? We’re reduced to using pikes and swords like in the forgotten-times. Wait. That sounds pretty cool. The idea is redeeming itself.

This new world full of swords, shields, and other stuff that makes Game of Thrones cool is gonna need a king. It needs us. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy. Or just some plots of land and a Burger King if we're lucky. We may have gotten off-track here. Just follow us by e-mail.

Thanks for reading and follow Sonny on Twitter @fourcornerstuds. If you like his writing style, check out his book here. Remember to subscribe by e-mail at the top of the page for more!

Adventures of Little Peter: Handsome Dick

Little Peter is the superhero vigilante of Port Huron. His brother, Jonah, is his cameraman and sidekick. These are their adventures.

By Sonny Long

    Little Peter rode down the street with Jonah holding him around the waist. They rode their mini bike, the BrotherBike, determinedly toward the notorious bank robber, Handsome Dick. He was holed up by himself with police outside of the building and a SWAT team ready to swarm. All of that changed when our caped hero appeared.

   

  “Not him again,” the police chief uttered upon seeing Little Peter approach.

    “What seems to be the problem here, officer?” Little Peter said with hands on his hips. “Jonah, go cover the sides of the building. I’ll take Handsome Dick head-on.”

    Jonah nodded and ran to the side of the building where the SWAT team was. The SWAT team looked at Jonah confusedly but allowed him to stand with them.

    Little Peter stood next to the police chief and inquired about how he planned on taking down Handsome Dick. The police chief replied that his name was indeed Jack, not Handsome Dick, and that Little Peter should leave the area.

    “I don’t require any kind of thanks or a salary like you do,” Little Peter told the police chief humbly.

    “I can’t deal with much more of this,” the police chief said angrily. He lifted his walkie talkie and spoke into it. “Prepare the SWAT team. We’re going in and taking this guy down.”

    A voice came over the walkie and said: “Sir, he has a hostage now.”

    “How?! We made sure everyone got out!” the police chief screamed. “Who is the hostage?!”

    “It’s Little Peter,” the voice replied.

    The police chief looked to his side and Little Peter was indeed gone. Because of this, the police chief became enraged and balled his fists. Jonah approached from behind and began rubbing the chief’s shoulders. “I’ll take care of this,” Jonah said soothingly.

    “No, you are not to go near the building!” the chief yelled as Jonah approached the bank.

    “Stop him!” the police chief barked to the SWAT team who were now in their trailers, getting ready. They did not hear the chief.

    Jonah entered the bank, there were some booms, pows, and ka-booms, but Jonah came out of the bank carrying Little Peter over one shoulder and Handsome Dick over the other. “Good job, brother,” Little Peter said to Jonah. “You caught Handsome Dick.”

    “My name… is Jack,” Handsome Dick said before abruptly passing out.

Follow Sonny Long and Tommy Jay on Twitter @fourcornerstuds and Tumblr @fourcornersstudios for more short stories of Little Peter and Ronald Reagan-Man.